Mega Man 666: Shadows Take Me
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THE BEGINNING
I was 7 went I first went to GameStop to buy a Nintendo Entertainment System and a game for it. My dad was a very religious Muslim and he gave me some money that he received from driving a dirty, yellow taxi. Because I was not allowed to watch porn because of my father, I would hope to buy Bubble Bath Babes for the NES in order to disguise my true intents behind my father's back - the intent of viewing pornographic material. When I finally got to GameStop, I was disappointed to hear that because I was a minor, I was prohibited from purchasing Bubble Bath Babes. They recommended that I buy Super Mario Bros 3. because of all the hype in the Wizard movie, but I was not going to fall to commercialism so easily. With my dreams crushed and my wishes unfounded, I searched for another NES game that could possibly satisfy my horny needs. Mario is not for me because of that ugly facial hair of his that makes me want to puke on the testicles of a hyena's corpse, before licking the asshole dry.
THE DECISION
Fortunately, I was able to come to a conclusion, I was going to get Mega Man 3. The box art influenced my decision more than any amount of text ever could. It featured a muscular Mega Man around my age hitting Spark Man in his naughty place with what I originally thought was a sperm machine attached to Mega Man's arm. It had the official Nintendo seal of quality so that meant that GameStop would be content with me purchasing the product. I was ready to do all sorts of wacky, homosexual shit such as finger Dr. Wily while giving him a blowjob or have consensual sex with my pet dog, Rush. I was a closet bisexual because of my father, so you could imagine how proud I felt to find a game where I can express my true sexual feelings. I was more than ready to sit on my ass, play Mega Man 3 and jerk off rapidly at whatever porn awaits featuring the blue bomber.
PLAYING WITH MY FATHER
After having bought an NES and Mega Man 3, I take it home to plug that son of a bitch in, blow on my cartridge like I'll blow on these robots, and play the game. I decide to read the backstory, only to be disappointed. Dr. Wily happened to be the villian of the series who is using these robots in order for world domination, and you have to stop him by destroying his robots. It turns out that I bought an action-adventure game and not a homo-erotic game, but I wasn't going to return the game just yet. Since the box-art featured Spark Man, I was planning on going for him first. My dad walked in and said that choosing Spark Man as a first choice was the wrong pick because he's electric, and therefore, dangerous to a high degree. I responded by asking "Who should I take on first then, papa?". He responds Top Man, which surprises me since the box-art clearly shows Top Man about to kick my ass.
ANTISEMITISM
My dad decides to tell me a bit about history which influenced me to pick Top Man. He told about how the Jews were disguisting, long-nosed freaks who never worked for money and hated Muslims. My father mentioned how Israel and Palestine loathed each other because of the different religious viewpoints. Considering my dad has killed many Jewish men before without being noticed, I had a feeling he was telling the truth. After all, it is a sin to lie. He went further into detail about a holiday he had much resent for - Hanukkah. He mentioned how the Jewish people love to spin dreidels because it boosts their moral and makes them feel proud to be Jewish. Since Top Man represented a dreidel in his eye, it was his goal for Top Man to receive maximum punishment. And only I was good enough at video games to do so, since I had experience with Contra at a friend's house, a game which I have beat without the 30-man code.
TOP MAN'S STAGE
I start at Top Man's stage, which was very, very easy. Each enemy seemed to die in one Mega Buster shot and the cat was a pathetic mini-boss, you just had to have a good mashing button. I later learned how to slide which became essential for fighting Top Man. The pattern for Top Man was quite simple. He would throw a trio of tops, which you would have to slide under in order to avoid. He is vulnerable after that, although invulnerable when spinning to the other side of the room. He never broke this pattern which made it easy to beat him without taking a single shot myself. After having completed the stage, I was rewarded with Top Spin. "Rewarded" is a big word in this case, the weapon sucks a donkey's weiner with whipped cream while a bunch of trench rats double-penetrate your mom in front of you while double-penetrating you. The hitbox was bad, the damage was bad, the ammo consumption rate was bad, the boss you get it from is bad and the weapon, was, unsuprisingly, bad.
SHADOW MAN'S STAGE
After Top Man, it only made sense to go clockwise, leading me to Shadow Man. I start off in a lava factory, which is very weird because ninjas and lava have nothing in common other than the fact that they're extremely hot. I descend to see a giant top-like enemy shooting pellets horizontally, and I start to question why I did not see an enemy like that in the Top Man stage. As I descend, I find more bunny-rabbits that were also present in the Top Man stage, I take them out in one shot as usual. I go downwards further more to find Proto-Man, who seems to jump in the air all the time like a retarded monkey. I kept my feet on the ground and my thumb on the B button for this fight. So far, nothing is unusual. It seems like developers could have realistically made this and not some super-natural demon. There's also a part where the room goes completely dark before leading up to Shadow Man but that's obviously something that was intended in the stage. I was going to fight the man of shadows, after all.
SHADOW MAN AI 2STRONG4ME
When I encountered him, I struggled. I could never predict what he wanted to do against me, the AI was too powerful for an 8 year old to realistically combat. The slide of his scared me more than anything else. It could flawlessly trap you at the corners because of the jump he does after the slide, and it takes away around a fifth or fourth of your health. When you would be expecting a slide, he pulls out two shadow blades which hit you and can cause you to lose everything you had at that point by throwing your timing off guard. Shadow Man took 2 lives off of me and I did not even close to putting a dent on the guy. I was really desperate, and I decided to try if the Top Spin would make the fight easier. The Top Spin absolutely demolished Shadow Man by downing him in 4 hits before he could do much to me. However, using the Top Spin happened to be one of the worst decisions I could ever make. After defeating Shadow Man, it did not greet me with a "Get Weapon" screen like Top Man did. Instead, I was greeted with a swastika and an interrupting message that read "Go to sleep little boy" and "Spark Man is weak to Shadow Blade", which I shrugged off since I did not know what the swastika meant at that age and it seemed like I was receiving helpful information anyways. When I was selecting who to fight next, the game looked very different.
THE RISE OF SHADOW MAN
I went to Spark Man right away and disregarded the sudden color change as a bug. Maybe I didn't blow into the cartridge hard enough. That's when the NES suddenly shut down along with everything else in my house. It was the middle of the day so I was still able to see everything clearly, although I decided to see what my dad was doing since my free time had diminished at that point. It turns out that my father had been brutally stabbed and had his organs and intestines removed from his body. He smelled burnt and his hair was up-right and static, as if he died of some sort of electrocution. I take the shuriken that had been used to stab his heart which had a swastika on it as well as a message reading "Shadow and Spark are here to kill the boy...". I was the boy. I report to 911 that Spark Man and Shadow Man are on the loose and they want to kill me and possibly even more innocent people. Shadow Man was on the receiving end of the phone, not the police. I sprinted to the police station to see if Shadow Man was there.
DEAD OFFICERS
Immediately, all I could see with the naked eye as soon as I arrived were dead police. They seem to have been poisoned by the same type of toxin that is found on the tip of a shuriken blade. I decide to run away before it's too late and Shadow Man discovers me, but the lights suddenly dim and I'm all alone in the dark with only the rotten stench of dead people to support me, although it would only prove to make me more worried that I'm next. As I stood in one place, shaking in fear and scared to move from my spot, an arm reaches out to grab me on my shoulder. The person who had grabbed me later yelled "Sparky, turn on the lights so I can kill this bitch!". It was Shadow Man, and there was no escape for me at that point. He held me up to the wall and called upon the other Robot Masters of Mega Man 3. For this, I was not ready.
ROBOT MASTER TORTURE
Top Man holds lit Hanukkah candles and uses them to burn my face until it is disfigured. My left eye falls out and my mouth becomes horribly mutilated and because, I can no longer speak, which is why I am using writing to communicate this message. Needle Man sticks metal pins into my head and into my forehead in order to torture me while Magnet Man attaches magnets onto the pins to add extra weight for additional cruelty. Snake Man makes his venomous cobra bite into my skin with its sharp, deadly fangs as it injects toxic into my skin which would make it easier for Shadow Man to finish me off long and painfully. Hard Man would use the knuckles on his fists to pound into my legs and arms and break them for the most part, rendering me paralyzed on both legs and injured in both arms. Gemini Man would then kick me as hard as he possibly could on my testicles to ensure I do not have my own children and to inflict massive pain. I felt like they should have just killed me earlier rather than attack me ruthlessly like this, and there were only two more robots left until I would have died. Spark Man decides to electrocute me until I am almost dead, then let go at that moment for Shadow Man to get the finishing kill. Fortunately, the SWAT team had been aware of this act of terrorism towards me and they ended up influencing Shadow Man to flee along with his friends before he could murder me. However, the SWAT team never got around to tracking down Shadow Man and I know that he is still out there looking for more innocent children in order to commit his crimes. It turns out that the swastika I had seen actually had little to do with the Nazis, it happened to be a way for the SWAT team to alert that Shadow Man, the country's #1 enemy and concern(similar to the Nazis), is on the loose.